SH Comments
Reged: Feb 16 2004
Posts: 1056
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This thread is for comments and feedback about Where We Live, by Daniel J. Pinney.
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Dan Pinney
New user
Reged: Feb 16 2008
Posts: 5
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Aw, come on, people. This is my first publication, and I've actually been checking the forum here rather obsessively, and nobody seems to have anything to say. Positive or negative, it's all good...I kind of like this story, but it's also imperfect, and I have no doubt that maybe it might piss some people off. If you've read it, though, it would be happy for me psychically to hear something of what you think about it, for good or ill.
So please, someone, say something. And thanks for reading, whatever you thought of it.
Cheers,
Dan
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sodadreamer
New user
Reged: Feb 22 2008
Posts: 7
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Hi
Seeing as you're begging for a comment, this is just to let you know that I have read half of it and like it so far- i've never read a story on SH set in the middle east before. will leave you a proper comment when i've finished but i have to go now.
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sodadreamer
New user
Reged: Feb 22 2008
Posts: 7
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I just finished and I really like your story. I was quite surprised when I realized it was set in the future, although I was wondering about the paper flat screens (I'm a bit dense!). I liked that people were learning to to live with one another in these futuristic slums. loved the part with the tulips. it was good to see something a bit different- futuristic and realistic, set in the middle east- on SH. don't really know what else to say. ermmm- when his father died it didn't seem to have a big impact- but maybe it's good that it was so matter of fact. maybe you can't really explain how that would feel.and life goes on even in a conflict zone- i liked the descriptions of everyday life. anyway, stopping now, as i'm not very good at this. bye.
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JoanneMerriam
Regular reader
Reged: Oct 07 2004
Posts: 93
Loc: Concord, NH
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I liked it a lot, Daniel. Especially the part about the tulips. The world building was convincing for me, not that I know much about the Middle East. I was a little disappointed that I didn't get to find out more about the father, but I liked what you did with his death. Of course mirrors would be dangerous.
--------------------
see how moonlight's sharp music breaks all of your windows
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GeorgeWalker
New user
Reged: Nov 22 2007
Posts: 22
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Your Middle East feels realistic, in a depressing sort of way: that sort of cataclysm is believable. I liked the tulips bit, too, though that was less believable, both from what we'd seen of the main character and from what the soldier would really do (she would be severely disciplined for not turning him in). Still, a detailed, engrossing story.
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boastofquietness
New user
Reged: Feb 19 2008
Posts: 3
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Nice pacing and some enjoyable moments, but there are some big problems with the worldbuilding.
1)The events that lead to the cataclysm imply a military symmetry that does not exist in the region, which makes the whole 'Jews and Arabs are all equal come the apocalypse' thing feel way too easy.
2)For no apparent reason at all, the narrator peppers his speech with a few untranslated words. Either the whole thing should be in Arabic or 'insh'Allah' should be translated as 'God willing'. And 'Allah' should just be 'God'. Otherwise we have a cheap and decpetive sense of foreigness.
3) No native Arabic speaker would ever say 'our secular madrasa' -- madrasa is just the word for school. Only in America does it mean 'fundmentalist religious school'.
Most troubling to me, though, is the way the piece rests on easy and utterly false Western assumptions: The Middle East is, always has been, and will always be an especially bad hotbed of sectarian violence. The only good Arab is a secular Arab. "Arabs will never give up their weapons"[!], etc.
I felt that the writer was really trying, though, and did enjoy aspects of the story despite my beefs. At the very least he gets props for spelling Hizb Allah right, unlike 99% of Westerners!
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sodadreamer
New user
Reged: Feb 22 2008
Posts: 7
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I disagree with your idea of translating 'insha'Allah' to God willing. I'm British but come from a muslim background and British muslims, even when speaking english will refer to God as Allah and say insha'allah rather than God willing. Many muslims around the world don't even speak arabic but they still use those words.
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boastofquietness
New user
Reged: Feb 19 2008
Posts: 3
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I also say 'insh'Allah' when I'm speaking English (which is 99.9% of the time). But this is apples and oranges. The story is not about someone speaking English and peppering it with the national or religious language of his parents' homeland. I'm assuming (and I may well be wrong) that the narrator is speaking Arabic as default -- just as when we read a story set in Russia we assume the characters are speaking Russian unless we are told otherwise. In that context, 'translating' words like book or water into the reader's language of English, but NOT doing so for the word God gives a false impression that the concept of 'Allah' is more untranslatable or foreign than these other words. It's not. 'Allah' just means 'God'. Period. Arab Christians use the word 'Allah' for God, too.
In a perfect world, of course, this would be a tiny aesthetic quibble but in our current world of supposedly scary, unknowable Muslims, such quibbles take on an unfortunate weight.
Let me reiterate, though, that the writer does a better job dealing with this stuff than some mideast-setting fiction that I've read...
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KNB
Regular reader
Reged: Oct 30 2006
Posts: 97
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I think one has to consider this is a story addressed to a primarily western audience. Leaving in Arabic words does help to convey the atmosphere, even though from a purist standpoint, you could translate all but those words that don't have English referents.
As to the story itself - I liked the world-building a lot, but found it very slow after the father's death. I was frustrated by not seeing a spec-fic element early on. I didn't get to the tulips... (However, I must admit I'm easily bored by post- apocalyptic dystopias, so I'm not your target audience. And the only bits of the middle-east I've been to are the prosperous parts.)
I'll look out for your next story, though; I really liked your writing.
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