See Jack Run: An Intergalactic Primer
By Wade Albert White
15 September 2003
See Jack run, children?
Jack likes to run.
He needs to run.
Run very fast.
That's because Jack is a double agent in an intergalactic spy ring responsible for the toppling of many planetary governments. He has been caught using false identification, and now he is about to get his legs broken.
He doesn't like broken legs.
Do you like broken legs, children?
Remember to play safe.
Q-zarc is the enforcer who has been hired to break Jack's legs.
He walks on twelve tentacles.
Isn't he funny-looking?
He is not fast like Jack, but he is smart. He will lay a trap for Jack using Biante the androgynous whore.
Yes, Daisy, whore is a bad word. But it is the truth, and we must always tell the truth.
See Biante, children?
Biante is bendy.
She dances just the way Jack likes. But it is her choice to treat her body this way, and she claims she is in no way being exploited.
Jack gets drunk and enjoys Biante's dancing.
He is lulled into a false sense of security.
Q-zarc uses the opportunity to sneak up behind Jack and swing his electro-bat.
My, he swings hard.
See Jack fall.
Q-zarc has broken Jack's legs.
Jack is in a lot of pain.
Can you say long-term rehabilitation, children?
Q-zarc knows that Jack is strong-willed. He thinks it will take some time to force the necessary confession.
Persistence always pays.
Spot is a rabid Sabre Cat from Kelupa Prime.
Spot is Jack's rabid Sabre Cat from Kelupa Prime.
Yes, Billy, we must always be careful around strange animals.
See Spot bite one of Q-zarc's tentacles.
Boy is Q-zarc pissed off.
See Jack drag himself.
Jack drags himself to his ship even though he has two broken legs. That's because there is nothing a person can't do if they just put their mind to it.
Spot helps Jack drag himself to his ship.
It is nice to have good friends.
See Jack's ship.
Jack's ship is shiny.
It is a kick-ass piece of space-hopping machinery.
Jack likes his ship. It fills the void in his life created by low self-esteem and a poor body image.
Jack and Spot get onboard.
Jack and Spot flee the solar system.
Q-zarc tries to pursue them, but Jack took the time to booby-trap the enforcer's ship before leaving and it explodes in a hellish ball of orange flame on the launch pad.
Remember children, we must never give in to bullies.
See Jack's ship in space.
Jack's ship is stuck.
It is being dragged toward the event horizon of a black hole.
Jack is thrown back in time and gets caught in a temporal paradox wherein his gender is altered and he becomes his own great-grandmother.
Yes, Christine, we might indeed say that Jack is now one fucked-up specimen of mankind, although some people take offence at that type of language and would prefer it if we used the term "humankind" instead.
The moral, children, is that sticks and stones and electro-bats may break your bones, but showing a false ID card to the Pontenello family of Nividia Six can get you in a shitload of trouble that will ultimately only be resolved by manipulating the space-time continuum and having sex with a near relative.
Copyright © 2003 Wade Albert White
Wade Albert White currently lives in Toronto, Ontario, with his wife and their son. He spends some of his time working to finish a Ph.D. in Septuagint Studies, some of his time writing, and lots of his time building block towers and watching a two-year-old knock them over with glee. To contact him, send him email at email@example.com.